Baby Gorilla, white pan pastel on black watercolor paper.

 This week I created the portrait of a baby gorilla using white pan pastels on black watercolor paper.

White pastels on black paper is my comfort art. My pb &j. I realized today that when I can't think of what medium to use or if I'm feeling I'm just not good enough I paint/draw with panpastels and pencils and create beautiful images like this adorable baby gorilla. 

That's kind of weird I guess. Why not just stick with pastels? But I just finished a painting of a chimpanzee using neocolor 2 using only a black and a white crayon and a white colored pencil. It was a good image but not a great one so I have committed myself to working with Neocolor 2 until I master it and while I'm at it, I'll incorporate gouache. 

Here he is. The locals call him Buddha because he is constantly striking this pose.

I pulled out a water  color journal, the neocolors, the gouache and the watercolor pencils and I am sending myself to art camp. Well, not real art camp, but art camp at my house. I am going to try to master this medium,  well gouache and neocolor. I'm expert with the pencils. I had intended to do this a year ago when I first tried Neocolor 2 but was distracted by watercolor and ink. I am so easily distracted by pretty art materials. 

So I painted two studies far from expert with the neo color and stopped. What am I chasing? What's wrong with being good at a medium? What's wrong with being quick at it? What's wrong with enjoying it? Looks at this adorable baby gorilla. Why do I need to do anything else? I don't. I was given this gift when I was in the third grade and because my teacher made an unfortunate statement not meant to be derogatory I stopped. What did she say? "Joan, I wish you were as smart as you are good at art." I was an A B student. Other classmates considered me one of the smart ones in class. I felt as though I was being told that art wasn't good enough. This was that time in the 50s when we were concerned with getting into space before the Russians. Everyone had to participate in the science fair. There were no art shows. We were being directed towards careers in the sciences.  Art wasn't important. 

I never stopped drawing and painting. I just stopped thinking I could be an artist. Then, 25 plus years later, I decided to return to college (I was a college drop out) and study art. I'd like to tell you great success followed but it didn't. I earned two degrees in art. I was a teaching assistant. But then, afraid I couldn't make a living, I went on to earn a masters in library service. I'm still working as a librarian part time but I am still painting and drawing and still not making a living at it. I love creating. I love experimenting and I have several theories about that but that doesn't matter here. I really enjoy making videos on YouTube and writing this blog because I enjoy sharing that creative part of my life. Its funny, I never wanted got be a teacher but that's exactly what I've become. 

So, here I am, a woman of a certain age, chasing my dream and I was born an artist. I am an artist and an art teacher. Whether I'm a great artist or a good artist is no matter. Its the process that matters, not the result. It's immersion in creativity that gives me joy; planning compositions in my mind; visualizing the process. I'm a pastelist. I can finally stop my search for my perfect medium. I found it when I was eight years old.