Happy Birthday to me!

 Well I made it to 76. Truly, the beginning of my last quarter of my century. Yes. I could break 100 but that's of no concern. I was working this past Sunday so I wasn't able to write a blog post. I really want to write weekly but sometimes life gets in the way and says no. I have no regular day off. At any rate, enough of the excuses. I'll do the best I can and thank you all for your patience. 

There I was on my 21st  birthday. I had no idea what life held for me And I wouldn't even know what kind of advice to give to myself. 

I have been thinking thoughts of years gone by, of family and work and career and avocations and friends and homes and it's amazing how a simple life shows so much accomplishment when you take a real look back. I never had a clear idea of what I wanted to be when I grew up. I had lots of fantasies but nothing real. I never got to be a scientist or an anthropologist or an archeologist or self supporting artist or gallery owner or a college professor or gotten a PhD but I have had snippets. something I have realized over the years and brushed aside. I worked in the development department of the Museum of Natural History in NYC. Monday through Friday I walked through the galleries filled with exhibits from around the globe and time so I got a taste of archaeology and anthropology without the sweat or need to beg for funding. One of my duties at one of the libraries I worked for was to run our gallery; book artists; hang the show, hence gallery owner without the cost of rent. No commissions of course but no losses either. I studied to be a lab technician and managed to do that for a year before moving to Florida where I couldn't get a job because of licensing requirements to I headed off to the world of office work which sustained me for most of my adult life until I became a librarian. So that was my scientist phase. I didn't manage a Phd. I just got tired but I do have two Masters degrees. In my lifetime as an artist I have only sold a few items so no, I wasn't self sustaining. But I was an artist with a YouTube channel and an online store. I've closed the store and frankly, I never liked retail. I still have the channel. No I never really wanted to be a librarian, I don't think, but the universe wanted me to be one. I worked in the Junior High School library in 8th grade. Then we moved away. I never gave it another thought. I of course always used libraries. I got my first card at 7 or 8. I checked out the First Book of the Desert. My brother took me to the library the first time and many times after that. During my mid 30s I decided to go back to college and to study art. I earned two degrees and while trying to get a job since I wasn't at a place where my work would get me an agent or a gallery, I checked the want ads. I saw an ad for a reference librarian. When I saw it I thought "I can do that." I researched it. Research is my thing, always has been. I applied to the Rutgers Library School and within a year I had another masters. I won't go into the difficulties I had getting a job but I did get a job as an Public Services Librarian which meant I did everything except catalog books except with the Tech Services Librarian was sick and then I did that as well. 

While I long to retire for the third and hopefully final time from library work, the universe was right. Librarianship was my right choice and it never occurred to me until writing this post. Self examination can be very helpful. I thought being a Librarian was a way to make a living while learning new things. And it was and it is. But I'm tired. I like the people I work with and most of the patrons. It's like any business; there are always unhappy people overly willing to share their misery and I'm not getting into the criminal element. It's tiny (where I work) but it's there. And for me, it's enough to take my peace and raise my ire. 

I wrote in this blog A few posts ago that I was giving up visual art and, I had for several months after trying to get my artistic hand back. I gave away anything that would dry up on the shelf and put away everything else. But recently, while looking at the pastel I painted of my darling Renard and a few Tomtes I couldn't help wanting to use that medium again. It sat with me for a couple of months and finally, last week I pulled out the Pan Pastels and organized them and my paper and decided I would create just for myself. I have a gray toned pad of paper and I have selected my subject. I'm just going to keep all of my drawings on this pad and it's my intention not to share them. Except the first one. It's a portrait of a friend's latest rescue. I don't know how long it will take to meet my standards of really good, I love it, I don't want to give it up beauty but I will keep working on it until it gets there.

This is the year I rewrite myself. I'm switching up my wardrobe, thinking about using makeup again and maybe doing something else with my hair. This is the year I just don't worry. Okay. I'm going to worry a little. This is my next chapter.

My Sacred Contracts

..., some of them. I had, in my mind, reaffirmed this blog to be about mothers. I switched to Photos and Essays. When I first began this new blog incarnation, I had thought I would be creating abstract and new photos and writing stories inspired by them or about the subjects of  my photos. As it turns out, that was just a way of getting my toes wet. I'm not into up to my ankles yet. While working my on "My Pink Jeep Journey" I came to realize that I needed to write about women, mothers specifically, at least for now and so I wrote "Mothers" and "Milk and Lingonberries."  Now it seems, though I am not a mother, I need to write about myself. But that makes sense, doesn't it? We are our mother's and father's daughters and sons. We carry them inside of us and fight their influences just as we embrace them.  My story evolved from her story. 

Signe Mansson, Christmas 2006

Last week I managed to put in about 4 hours organizing family photos and my photos. They're not completely organized. But I have them grouped so that I can finish putting them in albums and at some point annotate them. When I'm gone people won't know who most of these people are. A few Christmases ago I gifted my three neices and my only nephew with family albums sharing the images of the grandparents and parents on the Mansson side of the family. I wanted them to have at least half of their history.  My brothers daughters are in a unique situation in that one of their great grandmothers was DAR and her son, one of their grandfathers, on their mothers side was SAR and if either or both choose to, they can track down that family history. Oh, but that wasn't my point. As I finished up with the pre-organizetion of photos I questioned why I was doing this. How did  this fall into my lap. Everyone has photos but somehow I end up with all of the oldest photos. I've copied them and included them in niece/nephew albums. And I remembered that I was the one  my parents told their stories to. My interest in genealogy began decades ago and while I wasn't actively doing the work, I began laying the groundwork for the research. From time to time my folks would just share stories with me.  I realized that my mother was a storyteller in her own right but with no real network of friends in the U.S. she had her children and her husband. There were friendships with neighbors that would change as they moved. My parents were wanderers as well, just like me. 

And around this same time a couple of weeks ago, I began thinking about archetypes. You know, the  personality characteristics made famous by Carl Jung. Then I remembered a book I'd read decades ago by Caroline Myss, "Sacred Contracts." I also remembered vaguely that I had difficulty accepting a lot of the archetypes so I never got to 12. I've tried over the years to assign myself some archetypes but not the 12 and sometimes they changed because I saw differences I hadn't seen before. Now, at almost 76, I'm doing this again and you would think I would know myself by now but maybe the truth is I know myself enought now to be honest in my assessment of who these other aspects of me are. So I bought the audio and listened. Then I checked the book out of the library and read and agreed upon 8 acrchetypes to go with the four we all have. Oh okay, those are the Child, the Prostitute, the Victim and the Sabateur. They all show themselves differently than you might think but this is work you'll have to do. 

Now here's the fun and frustrating  and enlightening part of the process. Assigning the archetype to it's appropriate astrological house. I'll tell you my process but I'm not expert so I refer you to the book and the internet. Caroline's instructions are to make 24 cards about 2 x 3 inches and write the names of your archetypes on 12 cardsand number the rest 1 through 12. At this point it's a matter of faith because you can only do this once and if you don't like the results screw it. Just ignore it and move on to the next thing or study it. You meditate, pray, focus, something. I gave Reiki to the slips of paper and focused my Reiki energy on making the correct matches. I'm not going into all of them here, just the 3 that deal with me and photos and writing and being the center of the universe,

After analizing the 12 archetypes and their places in the houses I saw the importance to my questions in the Storyteller in my 4th house and the Networker and my 5th house and many questions about the Queen in my 7th house.

The Storyteller is just that; someone who relates stories of people, places, things as a narrator; a great archetype for a writer of  fiction as well.  A Storyteller relays more than the facts. She shares the lessons, impact, the humor of the story (not to be confused with the Gossip).  

In the fourth house, the Storyteller wants to persue the past: geneaology, oral history, memoirs. That's me. I have traced my father's line back to the Visigoths. My mother only as far back as the 16th century, Yep. That's me.

The Networker is in my 5th house of creative art forms; natural connections. Networkers are jounalists and couriers. This can be handy for spies and reporters and fundraisers. Any position that benefits from making connections socially; finding things in common. I'm never going to be a fundraiser or a spy but I am a blogger and I've had for years a YouTube channel where I taught art. I have at this time, had over 19,000 visitors to this blog. I've tried my hand at writing books for children and adults but I was never able to get a foothold. But I love to share and social media is the best outlet. While I had hoped I could make some sort of living sharing my art on YT it never happened. The blog was meant to add to my YT channel. I never thought of  this blog as a way go generate income. I really need to take a look at my other archetypes to see where I can make some improvements. But I now understand why I have to blog. And it's great that people tell me their stories but there's no way I'll share them with anyone else. Keeping people's trust is a huge part of  Networking. 

The Queen is still be be addressed and to be studied. I have Queens in my family. My mother was a Queen and while I may be wrong I see my sisters as Queens. In listening to Caroline Myss describe her encounters with her Shadow Queen, I realized I had had those moments in my life. I was a Queen and I had been suppressing her. What amazed me is that she shows up in a natural place the 7th House of my chart but it makes no sense. I've never married. I never wanted to be married or have children. I get a lot of the shadow side and I'll not bore you with that but this analysis will take some time to work out. 

I'm in the final quarter of my life give or take but I find this time of self reflection really allows me to understand the choices I've made. Dodo Kaka happens. Essentially my life has been a good one. I never had the good fortune of seeing the future I wanted as some people did. I've had many careers, many jobs, many friends and lots of financial ups and downs. I've even been homeless but thanks to family I've never had to live rough. I'm still dealing with some of the same issues I've been dealing with most of my adult life and I have never  lost site of that. I suspect that many of you are in the same boat. I remember with some envy what my mother told me about her life. "I wanted to be a wife and mother and I have been happy because that's what I am. I never had to work because Daddy took care of everything." I know she had rough times in the U.S. and that she came to America because it was my father's dream not her's. But she was a Queen, the center of her universe and she made the New World her kingdom and my father treated her accordingly. In on e neighborhood she was affectionately called the Queen of Towers street because she was always dressed to the 9s. I am the Queen and I want to be the center of my universe. Hmmn. Focus Joan, focus.

Here is my reference source: Sacred Contracts. Caroline Myss. Harmony Books, NY, 2001